black and white and hot all over

Today even the Cubs fans have to feel at least a little bisoxual. Yay Chicago!!!

THIS IS REAL

I think part of my soul just died.

abracawhatthef#ck

I think I can best express my feelings about this through the words of a friend/co-worker -
"He's going to impregnate a virgin? Well, I could do that."

new methods of sleep deprivation

I must admit, this whole "sports fan" thing is kinda fun.

mirrorsphere!

threepiovertwo: we're comin to your show so get ready
threepiovertwo: because raw meat may or may not be launched at you from afar mid performance
WinnieE1: that'll be perfect for the riot scene wherein i get beaten
...
threepiovertwo: just skip the last act. no one watches it
WinnieE1: right. the director wouldn't kill us too much
threepiovertwo: only like 18 percent death
WinnieE1: especially since it's the last show and I have relatives coming that day
threepiovertwo: ok, I didn't want to tell you this, but they're actors. I wanted you to feel important and make you have a family, but I thought you should know
threepiovertwo: I'm paying them to hang out with you
threepiovertwo: your real family...
threepiovertwo: eaten by whales
WinnieE1: damn....that explains all the secretive conversations containing the word blubber
threepiovertwo: now all the pieces come together
WinnieE1: finally, i can leave this life behind and start my real dream....becoming an IRS agent in Iowa
threepiovertwo: chase the dream, erin! ride the walrus!

insert monkey reference *here*

At work, I am a total professional. The question is - professional what?

wild horses

This girl breaks a pinky swear for no man. Even if he does control her income and admits to being the anti-christ.

motivation

After years and years of reaching for the remote at lightning speed the second I saw any form of sport on my tv screen, I have discovered that there is something very enjoyable about watching baseball. Its name is Joe Crede.

all signs point to

That's just weird.

Paging Mr....

I would not want to be picked up at the airport by someone named "Fat Johnnie".

"This isn't Russia. Is this Russia?"

In my latest attempt to order something online, the site provided one of those little pull-down boxes where you enter things such as your gender or date of birth. This one had two options :
- I live in Hawaii.
- I don't live in Hawaii.
I'm afraid I'm having trouble understanding this new form of address simplification.

mission unpossible

If you're planning some kind of elaborate scheme for a significant other, I wouldn't recommend involving me. Things inevitably go wrong.

the soft soothing call of dairy products

Today my co-worker, Bridget, introduced me to Lloyd's frozen yogurt, which is available in the building next door. This is possibly the most dangerous information I have ever obtained.

new pet

Erin: I really want Eli to come here. That would be hilarious.

Sarah: Eli's your cat?

Erin: No. My friend.

no really, it's valid, seriously, just click here it's not spam

I just received this email -



* This offer not affiliated or endorsed by DSW.

storm of the century

"I want to stay here in your interesting all night."

"I sound like an old black grandmother."

"I think I can see with my eyes closed. Aren't eyelids interesting? They're like wild flapping Spanish birds."

"I am a rock star...of magnetism."

"Oooh, those. That's where the magic started."

"It's not nearly as exotic or erotic out here as it was in the restaurant."

"Ha, I'm going to the bathroom and you said to get my gun ready. That's a double entendre. I speak French so well!"

"This water is so interesting. I love its succulent succulent taste."

"I feel like the floor."

~ and my personal favorite~

"I don't have any children. I'm the only one here who isn't pregnant. Eli, tell Erin about the baby she's having. It's yours."

excuse me?

To the pamphagous victor goes the Golden Wiener of Triumphal Consumption!

"We consider ourselves bicoastal...if you consider the Mississippi River one of the coasts."

Is it possible to live in both Chicago and New York at the same time? Perhaps I should look into this cloning thing.

Wild salmon are the canaries in the coal mines of our own world.

Starbucks caramel apple cider = speed.

crap

Every time I think I have things figured out, I end up back at square one. Not as bad as dodecagon one, but still...

deep thoughts

Life goes much more smoothly when you know about stuff.

spacious lakeside outhouse...

http://chicago.craigslist.org/roo/101803491.html

Ok, are these guys trying to be amusing or do they seriously not realize that most people aren't going to jump to live in their "comode", no matter how humble it may be? Perhaps I'll contact them for some of that "indept" information.

Jane, you ignorant slut

Dear Saturday Night Live Production Staff,
If your writers can't find a way to make Steve Carell funny, you NEED NEW WRITERS.
Thank you.