next please

If I were a person who put a lot of faith in signs, right about now I'd be thinking that I made a big mistake. Here's to improvement.

equal employment opportunity

~upon seeing the loaf of homemade bread in the break room~

Me: Who made this?

Sarah: I think it was the Amish.

Ode to My Neighbor's Air Conditioner

I hate you.

sometimes you get all sad and nostalgic

and sometimes you can't f#*&ing wait

bluer skies

Despite the complete bitterness of the previous post, I did have a wonderful time getting away from everything for a few days. It's a different world up there, mostly in good ways.

blood-suckers from hell

No, I am not going to discuss mosquitos or leeches. There were no giant spiders. There were no bats. I did not encounter a pack of Finnish vampires on vacation in the U.P.
I am referring to a creature that is unknown to many lucky, happy people. If you have never come upon a BLACK FLY, be thankful and pray that you never do. These tiny little creatures look perfectly harmless. Not much bigger than a gnat, you actually don't notice them at all... even while they're biting you. The realization that you have been ferociously attacked comes some minutes later, when you're suddenly covered in blood from the pin-sized holes that have miraculously appeared on your arms, neck and head. Gross, right? But no big deal, I suppose.
Until later, that is, when the bites turn red and start itching like crazy. Oh, well. That's the country for ya, better get some cortizone cream.
Except cortizone cream won't really do much for the small, tumor-like structures that seem to be rising under your skin around your jawline. You see, it turns out that the substance the little shits inject into your skin tends to have an unfortunate effect on lymph nodes, which swell as they battle the extra-special new toxins in your system.
Do you need a doctor? No, not really. Are you uncomfortable, itchy and annoyed for several days? Oh hell yes.
So boys and girls, the moral of the story is that it is better to stand in a southern swamp in the middle of the night, naked and covered in sugar-water, than to be normally clothed in a nice, clean room with even one little black fly. Rotten bastards.

Mr. Jingles!

There's nothin' like the memory of a misplaced goat to brighten your day.

history

I miss Europe. A lot.

prune tarts and the like

Last-minute vacations are so hot right now.

trussed izzues

Perhaps this brands me as academically snobbish, but I find that when browsing through ads on sites like ebay or craiglist I am much less likely to contact someone if their ad has spelling or grammatical errors. If there is a skipped letter or forgotten punctuation mark, that's one thing. However, if you are someone who repeatedly misspells the word "clean" or thinks "this isa GRATE car to havewith todays soreing gasprices", I just don't trust you to sell me anything.

water buffalo

The following are a few "facts" gathered from last night's conversation between my father and uncle, dealing with the family house in Michigan.

- we have at least 675 towels, with racks for said towels attached to the floor

- benches will be put around the fire pit, at which point the neighbors will be invited to come by and burn off their leg hair

- the upper basement is considerably nicer than the lower basement, which still better than the garage basement

- a shade has been purchased for "that giant hole" in the purple bedroom

- Hugh Jackman is living beneath the garage

27th wheel

Apparently 95% of the people I know have banded together under the common goal of causing me to have a quarter-life crisis.

attributes

Man: Excuse me, I have a complaint about my room.

Concierge: Yes, sir, what seems to be the problem?

Man: It has no ceiling.

Concierge: I don't believe that will as large a problem as you might think, sir.

Man: Why not?

Concierge: I happen to know that the guest above you doesn't walk around much.

hello

It's amazing that something so simple can make everything seem so much brighter.

ladies and gentlemen...Danny

"My friend gave her paper to the TA and asked her if she could look at it even though it was rough. The TA wrote on it 'This is so rough it's hard for me to deal with.' Well I would've said 'What I can't deal with is the fact that you end your sentences with prepositions!' Ugh. That's why she's a classics major.
Oh...I hope I didn't just offend anyone here...I totally love Zeus!"

get outta my dreams

I'm using my brother's car while he's on vacation in California. This test-drive time is nice since I might end up buying it from him. It's a cute car...in decent shape...could use a tune-up. The one thing that's a little disturbing is his inability to explain why the interior smells like crayons.